Strands of Crimson (Sha Gojyo)

Things have gotten kinda complicated around the Inne in the past couple of days.

Seems like Schuldig and Omi are gonna be breaking up; and Schuldig wants to hook up with me and Yohji. Ain't that the weirdest shit?

The three of us talked about it, but . . . I dunno, I'm still not too sure about it. I could tell Yohji was interested in the idea, almost as into it as Schuldig.

I wanted to say no, but with the two of them standing there and staring at me, what was I gonna say?

I didn't want Yoj to be mad at me; but . . . it just kinda makes me wonder why now? I mean I thought everything was cool between us again, so why would he want to be with Schuldig too?

Maybe . . . maybe he's trying to get rid of me. Maybe he thinks that I'll get mad and leave, or maybe it's his way of punishing me for what happened before. Maybe during all that time that we weren't really talking to each, he and Schuldig kinda hooked up which is why he and Omi are calling it off.

It kinda makes sense, I guess. It wasn't like me and him were really together then; and it wasn't like I didn't try stepping out on him . . . but . . . but he said that he forgave me for what happened and that he wanted to try again. So why let Schuldig in?

He said it was cause he knew that I needed more than he might be able to give me -- that keeping up with me might wear him out, that he was only human . . . yeah, that kinda stung a little. Yoj has always been cool about the fact that I'm not all human, telling me that was one of the things he liked about me -- that I was exotic and different.

He said that we'd still be together, that Schuldig wasn't looking to bust us up . . . but if he really wanted to be with me, then why would he want Schuldig too?

Maybe he still doesn't trust me since he can't keep an eye on me all the time. He and Schuldig are from the same world, in fact they knew each other from before. Yoj wouldn't have to worry about him doing something stupid like he would me, cause he'd be able to keep tabs on him. Plus, they could see each other whenever they wanted; Yoj wouldn't have to wait to get to the Inne and then hope I show up.

Maybe I'm not good enough anymore. Maybe he's bored. I like to think I'm pretty good in the sack -- one of the few things I'm pretty sure I'm good at or good for -- but what if I've lost it? I did kind of have some trouble in that department when we were apart, but once we got back together everything seemed to be back in working order. But maybe it's not. Maybe I'm not up to snuff anymore.

I dunno . . . it's not like I don't like Schuldig. He seems pretty cool and it isn't like we haven't been together before, but that was before Yohji and me got together.

I'm not sure about this, about how I feel about it. I don't want Yoj to be mad at me, and they said that if I changed my mind that it'd be okay but . . . I dunno. I just don't want to lose Yohji and I'm afraid that that's what is gonna happen whether I go along with this or not.

Fuck . . .

Yeah, that about sums up my life for the past week or so. I swear, if I had the cash I think I'd try to bribe Sanzo into letting me borrow his gun so I can put myself out of my misery. Although with the way he's been bitching and glaring at me, the bastard would probably do it for free if I asked.

I don't think my life has sucked so bad since I don't know when. It's like everything just turned to shit overnight. First that psycho selwit of Yohji's tries to attack me; I haven't been able to win a hand of cards for nothing; Goku has decided that using me to practice "Slam and Burn" is his new favorite past-time (gee, thanks Yo-chan -- I owe you one man *sarcasm*); Sanzo is being an extra pissy tightwad; and to top it all off, my fucking shakujou is gone. Yeah nothing like being in the middle of a fight and standing there like a fucking idiot monkey boy staring at your empty hand. A fallen tree limb just doesn't quite measure up, you know? Fucking Sanzo had to help save my sorry ass when the damn youkai almost bowled me over. *Snorts* What a fucking joy that was. Arrogant prick is still lording that one over me.

Goddamn it! How the fuck do I get myself into this shit? I never even thought that when Johnny took my shakujou back at the Inne that it wouldn't come back home with me. I figured he was just keeping it so that I'd leave Kougaiji alone.

*Shakes head* I can't believe this shit! Don't those pricks know that I coulda been meat on a stick? Guess their precious "no hurting others" bullshit only pertains to that fucking place. They probably expect me to come crawling with some fucking apology or something . . . well fuck that crap! If that stupid asshole with the funny accent would've just kept his big ass out of it, none of that shit woulda gone down in the first place.

I swear, I think the fucking gods really have it in for me. Like I need to have a bunch more bad luck and misfortune heaped on me . . .

Yo, Kanzeon, did you forget? I'm already a loser so you're just wasting your fucking time!

*Sighs heavily* Maybe Hakkai will lend me enough to buy a bottle. I really need to get smashed. Fuck better make it more than one then . . .

Goddamn it, this fucking sucks.

Been a while since I last scrawled some junk down and since things are pretty quiet right now, this looks like as good as a time as any.

I got back to White Oaks a couple of days ago and at first it looked like my visit was gonna be a bust. Me and Goku were the only ones there at first; and man, I couldn't wait to give that ape the slip. I ended up shooting some pool and knocking back a few brews before that guy Leon rolled in -- and I mean literally rolled in. He took out the bar and ended up smelling like some drunk who'd been laying in the gutter for a week. I know I shouldn't laugh, but the dude does have some bad landings into that place.

Anyway, I eventually found out that it was some kinda holiday back on a couple of the other guys' worlds -- Yo-chan's included. Something called Saint Valentine's Day. According to Zidane I was supposed to give Yohji something. Well that's well and good, but I didn't know what you're supposed to give on a holiday I didn't know anything about; and to make it even more of a pain, I was just about broke besides.

Yeah, been a while since I'd hit on a big money game and since Sanzo is being an extra tight ass with the three-heads' card, I've been having to lay out most of my own cash on booze and smokes. Fucking prick -- he's still pissed off cause I let him have it over that shit with Hakkai. Guess he thinks making me pay my own way is gonna hurt me or something. *Snorts* Asshole . . . I been paying my own way since I was twelve years old so it's not like I was helpless or anything. The only thing it was doing was putting a dent in my pocket and it won't take much to fix that.

I was checking some stuff out and knowing there was no way in the fucking world that I was gonna be able to get him anything when Seren shows up and then pushes one of those jewels he wears in his hair on me. Now you know me, I don't take charity -- or at least I didn't used to. I tried giving it back to him, but he wouldn't take it back for anything.

I still couldn't make up my mind though as I looked around. Seren picked out a box of candy that he was gonna give Hakkai, something that the two of them could share together he said. After I thought about it, it sounded like a good idea -- plus I had just enough cash on me to pay for it myself.

Next thing you know, Seren is giving me this ruby necklace he had on. Now the jewel was one thing -- there's a chance I might've been able to eventually pay him back for it, but not this thing. I'm not an expert, but even my dumb ass could tell that the thing was worth a fortune -- more money than I'm ever likely to see. And the dude kept pushing it on me -- telling me how it looked like the color of my hair and that Yohji would like that. Man, I must be getting soft or something. I can't believe I let him give it to me.

Eventually I did meet up with Mr. Hotpants. Man, I don't know what it is . . . every time I see him it's like . . . I dunno, like I just wanna let some dumb big ass smile cross my face. *facepalms* Gods, I can't believe how hokey that sounds.

Well Mr. Kudou had something for me -- and no it's not what you think . . . although I did get *that* later. *chuckles* Nah, he gave me this cool little ear cuff. *Reaches up to touch it.*

I gave Yoj the candy, but not the necklace. I dunno why, but I just . . . I just couldn't do it. All the guys kept saying that Valentine's Day was for people who were in love. Love . . . yeah right, me in love. That's a joke isn't it? All the time growing up, that was the one thing that I wanted -- for somebody to love me. No, not just somebody -- just one person -- one person who hated me more than anything. One person who cried every time she looked at me -- the dirty little half-breed kid that tore her family apart.

I gave up believing in love a long time ago, at least for myself. Some people just weren't cut out for the whole love thing, you know. We're just not meant to have it, no matter how much we might want it. After a while you learn, and you stop hoping for it cause you know it'll never happen. So you take what you can get, a quick fuck here or there with no strings, no attachment -- nothing that means anything. You get used to it after a while.

Oh fuck . . . who am I trying to kid? I spent the last ten years telling myself I didn't need love -- didn't need all that crap . . . but it was all just one big fucking lie. I know why I didn't give him that necklace, because I'm afraid -- afraid to admit that maybe I am falling for Yohji, falling hard; and it scares the fuck out of me. I don't know if I'm ready for this . . . I don't know if I even understand it. All I do know is that he makes me feel like I'm worth something, like I'm more than just some stupid ugly half-breed.

I just wish I knew what to do . . . or that I wasn't such a fucking wuss. Gods, I'm pathetic.

Gods, I'm such a pussy. I can't believe I spilled my guts to Hakkai like that. Stupid, stupid kappa. Fuck, I was worse then some teary-eyed little girl crying over her latest heartbreak.

I don't know what the hell has gotten into me lately. My head is all screwed up . . . I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore.

It all started when that prick Aya showed back up at the Inne. Yohji and me had already made plans for a little private party of our own when he walks up and out of the blue throws a liplock on Kudou. Seems the dude has been harboring a serious hard-on for Yohji and finally got the guts to do something. That's all fine and good, but Mr. Hotpants was already with me and I can't say that I liked seeing him do that very much. I don't know why it bugged me, I mean it's not like that kind of stuff ever bothered me before. But right then, it bothered the fucking hell out of me.

I felt like an idiot, standing there listening to Aya tell Yohji that he'd had the hots for him for a long time. I figured maybe I'd just leave the two of them alone, especially since Yohji seemed so interested into listening to that uptight asshole. Yohji caught me before I could get very far, wanting to know why I was leaving. Why the fuck did he think? It was pretty obvious that I was just in the way. I knew what Fujimiya wanted and I figured Yohji would give it to him. Yeah, that thought did wonders for me too.

Next thing you know, Kudou has talked me into going with him and Aya, not that I really wanted to, but . . . I don't know, I guess I did it because he wanted me to. So our little party turned into a threesome. Afterwards . . . afterwards is when all this shit hit me and lodged itself in my head.

I was jealous of Aya. I was jealous thinking of him and Yohji together. Why? Why the fuck does that bother me so much? Shit like that never bothered me before. So why is it different now?

I dunno . . . that's all that's been on my mind the last week or so. Trying to figure all this crap out. I've been moping around, being a moody pain the ass. I've gotten into it with Sanzo more than once. Stuck up asshole, I swear if he shoves that goddamn gun in my face one more fucking time . . .

Hakkai finally cornered me and bullied me into telling him what was wrong -- like I could really explain it to him; hell, I can't even explain it to myself. It took me about a bottle of whiskey, but I managed to spill what I could.

I don't think I've ever seen a look on Hakkai's face like the one he gave me afterwards. I think I just wanted to crawl away somewhere . . .I felt like such a fucking moron. Hakkai just sat there staring at me, that look on his face and then he started smiling. Gods, I hate when he does that.

Well a big fucking lot of help he was, he didn't say anything -- absolutely nothing. Just sat there grinning at me like he was an idiot for a bit until he got up to leave. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Look in your heart, Gojyo. You'll find the answer." And with that stupid smile on his face, he left. What the fuck kind of advice is that?

I sat there for a while, drinking and trying to sort my head out while thinking about what he said. I don't know if I was drunk, or if I finally figured it out but it still doesn't make me all that happy; cause truthfully, it scares the fuck out of me.

I think . . . I think I've got it for Yohji . . . I think I've started to fall for him.

That's right, me -- Mr. One-Night Fucking Wonder . . . Mr. Wham Bam and I Probably Won't Ever See You Again . . . and it scares the the living crap out of me.

What the hell am I gonna do?

It's raining like a bitch and we've been stuck in this dumpy little wayside inn for the past couple of days. The only plus is that we're the only guests so we've been able to get separate rooms . . . gods, it feels so nice to be alone and not have to share with Hakkai or Goku. Not that I don't mind hanging with my best bud, it's kinda like being back home when he used to room with me; but I haven't been in the mood for company.

I've been kinda moody since my last trip to White Oaks. Yohji Kudou was literally dropped into my lap, damp from what was probably a shower and poured into a pair of those leather pants he seems to like (and wear) so well. As usual one thing led to another, and after that prick Aya from his world sauntered off in a huff, we headed downstairs to one of those hot tubs for a little private party.

Man . . . I don't know what it is about him, but Kudou can turn me on like nobody's business. I've always been into the build up to sex -- the touching, teasing, kissing, licking, and tasting. All those little things that leave you just wanting to pop out of your skin cause you're so worked up and aching.

Yohji is a cuddler, he likes curling up afterward -- not that I don't like doing that myself, cause I do. Nothing like tangling yourself up with someone after a kick ass fuck that blew you away.

Yohji kept kissing the claw marks on my cheek -- gently brushing his lips over them. I don't know what it was, but the whole thing just really got to me; something that felt so good and beautiful against something that was so ugly. He thinks that he did something wrong, but it wasn't him, it was me. I don't want anybody feeling sorry for me over how I got them.

I don't know . . . I've just been in a "leave me alone" kinda mood for a few days, which means I've been sitting around thinking about stuff. I had a couple of bad nightmares, but it was pretty quiet last night so maybe they're over for now. I was glad that Yohji was there when the first one hit me. I don't know how long I was curled up and shaking, but he stayed there the whole time. He probably thinks I'm some kinda whacked-out psycho and couldn't wait to get away, but I don't think I would've been able to handle it on my own -- it was one of the worst ones I've had in while.

I'm almost afraid of going back and seeing him again. I don't want him to look at me with pity in his eyes, or worse -- like the freak I really am. For some reason, what he thinks matters to me; although I don't know why. Usually I just thumb my nose at crap like that. Hakkai is the only person whose opinions matter to me, and then only cause I've known him so long and he's my best friend. Normally I couldn't care less what people think, so I don't know why this makes a difference; but it does.

*Sighs* Looks like it's the rest of a bottle and maybe a little shut eye before dinner time. Sanzo is always such a fucking bitch when it rains, and I'm really not in the mood to put up with his crap.

Man . . . what a couple of weeks it's been. I've been making the most of my time at White Oaks, if you know what I mean. *winks* Settling right in and taking in the local sights, and damn if there aren't some fine looking sights to take in. Not that I'm swearing off the ladies, but when it comes to getting laid, I'm pretty open; and I can't say I've been disappointed yet.

Had a nice private little get together with Yohji -- found him dancing down in what looked like some kinda ballroom -- twisting and turning that hot bod of his in ways I've never seen before, it was like he was making love with the music or something. Fuck, I got so turned on just watching him. I think I was hard as a rock long before we ever made it upstairs.

I met another guy named Seren . . . whoa man, now that's one pretty guy -- long silvery blonde hair that trails behind him on the floor, deep blue eyes, and the sweetest little blush I ever saw outside of a laundry girl who'd never been laid. *Chuckles* But damn, if that old saying isn't true -- looks can be deceiving. Man, he might've looked all sweet and innocent, but the dude knew what he was doing and then some. Surprised the fuck outta me, but I'd be an idiot to complain. Might have to look him up again next time I'm around.

Met up with Schuldig again too. Hmmmm . . . still not sure how I feel about that one. Not that the sex wasn't great, cause it was pretty damn good; it's just that . . . well the dude has this power -- telepathy he called it -- he can read people's minds and talk to them so that you hear his voice in your head. I'm not sure about that; I don't think I like the idea of somebody being able to walk around in my head and see what's inside. There's crap in there I don't want to look at and I sure as hell don't want anybody else in there seeing it either.

People where I come from can't do stuff like that, well at least not that I've ever heard and it just kinda creeps me out for some reason. He said he hadn't read my mind, and I really don't have any reason to think that he'd lie, but . . . well, I dunno, I'm just not sure about it.

Well anyway, the sex was kick ass; although I thought for sure he'd wanna be on top -- just seemed the type. Not that it's a big deal with me, I like it either way and was more than happy to oblige him if that's what he wanted.

Well Sanzo has been in a really piss-ass mood lately -- keeps giving me the evil eye, and I don't have a fucking clue why. I haven't done anything to his Holy Radiance lately, hell I haven't really mouthed off to him so I don't know that fuck his problem is. Goku has been a real pain in the ass too -- whining about how he's gonna starve to death if he doesn't go back to White Oaks cause all the food on our world tastes like dried up wood compared to Mrs. Kudou's. Speaking of, seems she packed up a bunch of stuff and sent it back with him and Hakkai; and the little fucker ate it all before Sanzo and me even knew he had it! Even Hakkai was pissed off about that one.

Oh well, looks like it's time to hit the road again. Sanzo's is bellowing up the stairs to move my "lazy kappa ass" before he plants a bullet in it. Man, why does he have to be such a prick *all* the time? *sighs*